Estranged? Not Really.

I love them.

I really do. At least I think I do. I feel sad when they feel sad and happy when they feel happy. I want to support them when they’re down and help them when they need it. I am willing to sacrifice for them and I feel the need to protect them.

I hope that’s part of what loving someone is.

But I feel like the problem is that I can’t spend too much time with them. It’s like we just can’t mix well that way. Like chalk and cheese. Like day and night. Like marshmallows and pizza.

Wait, no. That last one might work out.

Like… Like oil and water. You mix them up and they seem perfectly fine churning together in the glass at first. But give it time and they soon start to separate into that two distinct layers. You just can’t keep them together for long.

It’s like that with them sometimes. I’m fine hanging out for the while, just chilling and stuff. We talk, we laugh, we get about.

But sooner or later, we inevitably start rubbing on each other’s corners. Everything will seem fine but somehow someone with start something that will lead to stupid things being thrown at each other with vehemence that is not always justified or reasonable.

And it’s far from a pretty sight when that happens. There’re tantrums and arguments and blame being tossed back and forth and for one brief moment, I could swear that I actually hate them with all my guts.

But when I calm down, I find it stupid: most of the things we argue about. And I don’t know if the other party sees it that way but I think they sometimes do. Sometimes they don’t, and those are the ones that simmer at the back of our minds, ready to boil over in a blast of rage the next time an argument happens.

I don’t know if they feel the same way, but I see the pattern anyway. No matter how hard they try to draw me in, they can’t possibly not see the most basic of outlines of how it will go. The timeline here plays such a huge part in how much we get along.

It’s not that I don’t always hate spending time with them, it’s just that I feel like I can’t. I do think we’re better nowadays as we’ve matured or learnt more patience. But it is still not smooth sailing and it feels like the more we force it, the more ill the feelings get. It’s so taxing, having to keep the tempers and eye rolling to a down low, and it’s worth it. At times.

Other times I feel like there is not point to it. I myself feel completely satisfied hanging out with them in short intermittent periods of time; I feel that’s enough to make them understand that our relationship is still important.

Problem is, I don’t think they see it that way. That’s when the misunderstanding starts. Subsequently, it piles on and on, by and by. Till it reaches that pinnacle.

And boom.