Tremor

It hit me.

Today, as I was sitting beside mum in the car, I was daydreaming as usual.

My thoughts were about ham and cheese sandwiches, bad traffic, Enid Blyton and the amazing vocals of Christina Aguilera as she belted out I Am Beautiful.

These thoughts slowly wondered to the yesteryears of schooling life, friends and teachers alike.

And all of a sudden, it just hit me. So damn hard. It was like a wave of nausea had engulfed me as I thought about my SPM results.

I should’ve tried harder. It wasn’t my best effort. I didn’t study enough nor used my brains to their full potential.

It was hard to draw the next breath into my lungs, my throat felt like it was choking on something. Might’ve been a big wad of remorse.

My breathing became minutely shallower but other than that, I gave no outward signs that anything had gone wrong. I hugged my bag just an infinitesimal bit tighter to my cold body and stared at the traffic in front of me, not really registering anything.

Honestly, I nearly cried from the pang of regret that went right through me and left me a lesser person than nanoseconds before.

Why didn’t I study more? I might have done so much better because frankly, the abysmal procrastinator’s work I gave disappointed me sorely. And it isn’t just myself I’d be letting down, is it?

So fucking selfish of me.

I barely heard the sounds of Rihanna’s Disturbia pounding through my earphones.

Guilt and regret and disappointment all churned into one vast void in an instant of a few heartbeats is not easy to bear.

These pangs have happened to me quite a few times already but not as bad as today’s. Even now, I still feel unsettled. Safe to say, I am not looking forward to getting my results back.

Please all the future and current students. Whether you are in kindergarten or university, study hard and give your all. And you’ll never ever have to go through this lousy feeling just a little bit too late.

Regrets,

~*JJ*~

P.S. : Get well soon, YY. Presentation nothing to worry about.