Both to Blame

Who do you think you are?

You think everything you do is right. You never accept any blame whatsoever and even if you say you do, you don't mean it. It's just to make others pity you.

You love your little game, don't you?

You just sit on your damn throne and expect everyone to follow your every dictation, attend to your every whim, using your status as a threat to lord over me.

You twist people around your little finger. You poison people's minds.

You think you are always right; you never do anything wrong. Everything you do is justified by your twisted standards. You think you're a fucking saint. A martyr.

You are just that blind.

The others. The others are always to blame. But not you, never you.

I'm the bad one, only me.

All you do is right, and you are never selfish, never controlling, never self-pitying, never untrusting, never mean, never narrow-minded, never unjust, never untruthful, never fussy, never petty.

You're just right. Always.

Well, screw it.

I accepted my faults. Why can't you?

I've tried to change. Why won't you?

What makes you so great, so wonderful that you would be exempted from all blame?

Our relationship is this tattered because of the both of us. Not just me, not just you, but both.

We both have shed tears. We both have screamed ourselves hoarse. We both have cursed each other silently. We both have done stupid things. We both have hated each other with a vehemence rivaling that of Hades' for Zeus.

But still, I love you.

Your blood flows in my veins and my heart beats to yours. You and I are in this together no matter what.

That's why I really want this to work out. I want us to go back to those times where we can laugh and play and joke. And you were my idol. So clever a math genius, so attentive a nurse, so caring a woman, so wonderful a mother.

Before things started to go bad. Really bad.

Now, my family and I have a barrier between us. But the thickest barrier would have to be with you.

Remember the year when it all started?

It was my UPSR year. Things cooled down and heated up during my PMR year. And now, this year.

Notice the pattern? Of course you do.

Education has always been top priority for you two, hasn't it? You stinging words say it all.

Never mind that I have no friends, never mind that I need to keep fit, never mind that I want to live my life, never mind that I need my freedom.

Everything boils down to my studies. My results. The pressuring, the arguments, the fighting.

And other things got pulled in too. Sibling favouritism, nitpicking, even speech. Everything.

Now it's so far gone, it's safe to say it will never go back the way it used to be.

But I still have hope. Even if it will not return to the past, I want to create a different future than what is painted before us now.

I will try to be more patient and understanding. I know you went through so much for us but you don't have to rub it in my face.

I want to improve our relationship and strengthen the bond between us again. I hope and pray that we can.

And then there will be light again.

=)

Faith,

~*JJ*~

P.S. : Kristin, tell you some other time, k? And sorry I was emo-ing at you, Jon.