When It Comes To Myself...

I can save myself.

I like being independent. I don't like putting my faith into something or someone else. I like taking myself around and doing my own thing.

Don't get me wrong, I do need and appreciate the company of my loved ones. It's just, there are certain things.

I do certain things on my own, in my own way.

I've always done that and I like it that way. I hate relying on someone else because you just can't trust someone one hundred percent.

It's not just because there are ignorant people out there, or people that know but are apathetic towards your plight, or the fair-weathered friends that disappear when the fun's over.

Some really have a good heart, they just don't have the resources to help. Inevitable things can block their way.

Sometimes you can't even trust yourself to pull through. Inevitable things can and will block your way too.

A plan can never be a hundred percent full proof because of this, the percentage made even less when you rely on other people. At least when you planned it and only you are involved, you've already accounted for the possibility of setbacks with backup plans to cover them.

Relying on someone else is a hassle. But necessary sometimes.

But really, for those certain things, I hardly ever do need anyone else anyway.

I like thinking up solutions by myself. I like planning and searching around for answers to problems. Going through the plan mentally and looking for places where chance and luck might fail you, and coming up with another plan just in case.

I can't stand it when things go wrong, or have a risk of going wrong. I gotta make it as foolproof as possible.

And when I manage to get the full plan down pat, I feel relieved and accomplished.

(Is this why I get so high when I solve a really hard math question? Fml.)

Of course I can't do it all myself. The planning, details, coordination and whatever else I can do and afford, I try my best. But sometimes my plans do happen to call in a few favours from the loyal ones.

And I'm really glad and grateful for those who are there.

And when my plan falls apart and the backup goes the same way, I do have breakdowns, ranging from minor ones like making squeaky noise to major ones like shutting myself away and crying my eyes out.

When this happens, don't tell me why I suck or rub it in. Either go along with my next solution, or just be there for me.

Because I don't want to be saved, but sometimes I just want to be understood. That in itself is a rescue already.

And I am very thankful for that.

P.S.: Ok, maybe I'd liked to be saved once in a while. :)